If I had to make a speech, if I had the opportunity to
broadcast a message that would be heard by lots of people, what message would
be sufficiently important to best capitalise on this rare circumstance? What
could I say that wouldn’t squander this opportunity to be widely heard?
DON’T BE A DICK, would be my keynotes address of choice.
JUST BE NICE. The
three little words by which I try to operate, and the simplest distillation of
wisdom I try to instil in my new class each year. I would say this...
When you’re walking along the pavement in a pair or a group,
concertina yourselves to take up just a little bit less space, so other people
can get by coming the other way. Don’t make us walk in the gutter, and just
barrel forward because you want to walk two or three abreast. I’ve noticed this
a lot lately. Often, @superlative and I
will adjust formation and walk one behind the other as we pass people, to allow
everyone to continue on a narrow pavement. Many other people do the same. Lots though, and it does seem to be a lot,
now crash on, and make you walk in single file, IN THE GUTTER, so they don’t
have to move. Because... because they
don’t care.
Don’t be a dick. Just be nice.
If you’re a pedestrian waiting to cross the road, and a car
stops to allow you across, by all means walk at a reasonable pace- no-one need
run. But don’t walk deliberately slowly because you’re texting. Or for any
other reason. That person has stopped out of courtesy, when they really needn’t
have- you could do the same and walk at a normal pace, to acknowledge that you
don’t want to waste their time.
Don’t be a dick, just be nice.
If you’re parallel parking on a street, at the of a row of
bays, try to go all the way to the end. Don’t park your car 6 feet from the end
of the bay, leaving a massive amount of space, but insufficient room for anyone
to actually fit a car in. This just means that there’s generally less space and
someone won’t be able to park tonight. It’s like parking slap in the middle of
two spaces and robbing another resident of a space.
Don’t be a dick. Just be nice.
And if you’re leaving a shop, don’t walk through the main
door and then stop immediately you find yourself outside. There will likely be
people leaving behind you, walking behind you because you are probably also
walking very slowly. These people will then come to a complete stop behind you,
because you are now blocking the door. They will be trapped and unable to
escape and may become frustrated.
Don’t be a dick. Just
be nice.
And if you’re a cyclist, riding to work in the rush hour,
and there is a massive empty cycle lane running the entire length of the road
out of town, use it. Don’t cycle along in the road, limiting every road user to
your 6 mile an hour speed. You have an entire special lane, built specifically
for you at great expense to local residents, about 2 feet further to your left.
It’s right next to you, and you could use it much more safely, and allow car
drivers to then go at a more appropriate speed.
Don’t be a dick. Just be nice.
In short, try to think about other people. Say ‘thanks’ or
give the little nod when someone waves you across, or lets your past. Walk as
quickly as you realistically can to avoid holding people up needlessly,
especially if they’ve stopped to let you past. Pull over to answer your phone
when you’re walking through the shops. Don’t just stop dead in your tracks and
cause a people-pile-up outside Next. Think about other people and not just
yourself. Try to be nice.
Don’t be a dick.
Thank you all for coming; it’s been an honour to give this
address. I hope you have found it useful and thought-provoking, and I wish you
all the best on your departure. Thank you.
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