Day 6: If you couldn’t answer with your job, how would you answer the question ‘what do you do’? (#BEDM)

I plan everything. I have absolutely no spontaneity at all.  

I plan work meticulously. I plan my morning before I go to work, I plan every part of the school day (probably just as well if I’m honest), I plan my evening so I know what I’m doing when I get back. I plan my meals so I know what I’ve got to look forward to. I keep my calendar up to date, and for all our social arrangements, everyone knows I always organise an itinerary ahead of schedule.

Don’t get me wrong- the content is not boring or predictable, necessarily. But I’ve planned it all in advance so I know what we’ll be doing and that we’ll use the time and get to do lots of fun things.

But I’m not particularly into “Oh, we’ll see what happens” or “Decide when we get there” type plans. 

You know why?

Because you end up drifting around for ages trying to find things, or decide on something, or find something that suits everyone. Or worse, you end up walking up to, scrutinising, then walking past an endless parade of restaurants because no-one likes to make a decision. Or worse still, you end up stranded somewhere with no idea how you’re going to get back or where you’re going to sleep.

And I can’t stand it so I circumvent the whole process by organising lots of nice, fun, enjoyable and yummy activities.  Doesn’t seem so silly now, does it?

And last minute plans? If I’ve not made plans and someone suggests something, then I can happily roll with it. I’m not *that* lacking in spontaneity. But at the same time, if someone says - on a Wednesday night, after work – do you want to go to XYZ to do ABC with 25 minutes notice, and it means changing, travelling and lots of unexpected faff when I’ve already planned risotto, cocktails and watching The Apprentice, I have been known to graciously decline.

I like a plan. It just means you always end up enjoying yourself.

But here is the sinister side...

I plan everything I say too. Well, almost everything. Sometimes I feel guilty because I plan what I say based on how others will perceive it. You may think- well, what’s wrong with that?  Thinking before you speak is the ideal.  And that would be true, were it not for the fact that sometimes I worry I’m a robot and everything I do or say is processed by this inner voice that whispers: ‘Say this next because they’ll think that, and feel this, and decide that about you.’

And it feels quite grubby and manipulative and makes me wonder if everything I feel is fake and I’m a cold, emotionless android...

It isn’t conscious. My brain just likes to plan and analyse and code and classify everything going through it. And as I go I make predictions.  Is that so bad?

Not bad, maybe- but it does make me worry I’m an emotional fraud.

But then, in my lucid moments, and to paraphrase Jon Ronson’s The Psychopath Test, I remember that if you worry you're a robot, you're probably not.